I wonder. At least I think I do.
I’m doing my job, paying my bills and loan, I’m being socially active.. I’m not really an outsider for the matter of this society and that’s for what I’m currently doing. As soon as I stop and think I start to wonder whether this can work for long or not, for myself.
I’m feeling sick at times. I feel like I wanna puke and I don’t know why. Sometimes I feel like I wanna cry but then I can’t and this expresses my feelings perfectly, as if I’m constantly holding my tears and not expressing them.
From today, I’m gonna start a journey toward a place where this won’t happen again, and it’s a place of mind.
I’m sitting on the couch, writing this as I am thinking about it. I’ve been watching dozens of movies and documentaries lately, about thru hikers, AT, PCT, climbers, ultra runnes, occasional walkers or crazy minds that lead their body to walk thousands of miles in a trip through the desert to the ocean. All this inspires me and at the same time kills me inside. I’m watching this as I am sitting on the couch. I should be the one out to wonder in the wilderness. That’s what kills my very own thoughts. I’m so much looking for inspiration that I’m not currently doing anything of such nature. I became kind of obsessed with these movies, documentaries, youtube videos.. I’ve done some research on photographers doing such things and in the meantime I’ve had some ideas. Now I’m deciding: whether these are good and successful ideas or not, I’m heading out.
I bought a tent.
First time I headed out with it was last week with a friend and neither of us could stay for the night so I just carried the tent along to take some shots at sunset. I pitched the tent and just started to take some photographs. My friend was in the picture, on a little handmade wood bench, looking at the sunset as I often found myself to do when wondering. I shot that photograph, believing that was expressing my feelings. A wanderer watching the sun set. I see this picture to be the first of many more to come.